Archives for category: love and life

I was crying to sleep. How that man broke my heart easily, I should not questioned it. Maybe I’m the one who give my self easily and open my heart too soon for him, so he can play it and broke it, intentionally or unintentionally, heaven knows.

I remember the first time he was interested to me, how he was curious to knew about me. How he always initiated to started conversation with me, how he dug deeper about me and how he tried to win my heart and get all my attention. But after all of those effort, after he got all of me, he just dumped me and suddenly one little mistake I did become a huge thing that he reconsidered to get along with me. Was it just a game that he tried to played on me? Maybe he just try to win me over not to take care of me but just to prove to himself that he is capable to win a girl like me and then think that I am not all he wants after all. And I’m too idiot to realize that I am just his temporary toy girl. Or maybe I never learnt from all my mistake. Or maybe he just too smart to fooled me. I dont know, I cant even think right now.

Maybe it is my fault, all my fault why things never work out between me and all the men I met. Maybe I am too crazy, I am too abnormal, I am too weird. Or Maybe I just havent met the right man yet who can accept me the way I am.

Life is a run, a long way run. I had decided to split my way with my frenchman, we no longer run together coz we have different destination. Even now the man I currently run with whom I thought has the same destination with me already quit coz he thought he cant run zig zag with me, so here I am running alone again hopefully find the right man to run along with me, hand in hand, zig zag, jumped, slide, whatever and he will still run with me no matter how hard the obstacles are. And amazingly, my frenchman who run in the other side of the road in different direction, sometimes still stop by to my road just to make sure I am alright. Yes baby, I am alright. I might stumble down and fall, and when u give your hand to help me stand up and run again, I know I will be alright even we will still run in a different direction. And to know that u still in the other side of the road and care about me make me feel alright.

I can never run straight in my life, coz my road is not a highway so all I need is a sprint runner not just a marathon runner.

After a while, I tried to get along with my heart broken and moving on. And being sick for couple months that required me to have some bed rest was completely boring. So I tried a new thing to ease my broken heart a little bit with trying a dating site.

Here’s the story…

Because I’m completely new for this dating site thing, I tried the local dating site for starting up, a few day logged in I felt not really interested enough, just got messages from unexpected members, once got hitch by a cute french guy (again) he just interested in cyber sex, end of words, NO! I shut down my membership.

Once got failed, I moved on to another site, this one, the international dating site. there’s not much I got here, mostly old man or just men look for cyber sex experience and mostly SCAM!.

Yeah, I got scammed, and for me, its hideous, not just becoz he got the wrong person to be scammed, but also becoz he is too idiot and too ugly to scammed me.

It was started with one guy, dropped me message on my inbox in that dating sites, asked for chat on my personal IM. Of course coz I dont know anything about dating site, and I dont know what do’s and dont’s, I agreed and give him my personal IM so we can chat outside the dating site. Later on, we got online on IM and talk a little bit, he quite nice and I told him a little about my failed past relationship and about my health.BAM! he know I’m in vulnerable condition and he was just so welcome with that (red flag), I underline this, if someone try to fit in on your vulnerable condition, that person might have some motives, one thing he doesnt know, I might vulnerable at the moment, but it doesnt make me stupid, it just makes me become girlzillaa ggrrr!!

The story going on, we chatted regularly, within few days he ask my phone number, I gave him without any doubt, bcoz I work in media and its not a new thing to give contact to new people I meet but since I have the sense of CSI (everyone can be a suspect before the case closed hehe), I started to make a little investigation since the day we talked. Then I found many many red flags and this is how I find out about scammer.

From the first day we talked on IM, there’s seem normal, then we exchanged photos and I was just surprised by how he expressed how much he adored me, I mean, I know I’m cute, but come on, it just photos. But in the other hand, when I saw his pics, I just, oh okay, he’s not my type actually, and his face is not much flattering, my exes much much lots handsome than this, but I just think if he’s a good guy, why wouldnt I take a shot, at least he has a good heart (but I’m wrong, sigh).

And days by days gone through with his regular chat and phone calls and its so amazing how fast he express his love to me and how my name changed become babe and sweety, seriously, I hate that. And being called sweety just remind me of one of the diapers brand here. So instead of get flattered by how he treated me (he said he would do anything for me, he accepted me the way I am, he will love me forever and ever and he head over heels in love with me and cannot live without me) I get annoyed and curios and dig deeper about what’s going on here. Well, he dont know me at all, and I think he’s on drugs saying all of that. That’s another red flag. I know myself well and I realize that I’m a difficult person, someone who said that he loves me is definitely not someone who just knew me at a glance or just within few calls for few days, my (ex)french man definitely said, he loved a crazy girl, yea, he said I’m psycho, but he loved me (was) after what we’ve been through together for years not becoz how beautiful I am, thats a crap!

However, I get along with his lame game, along with my investigation. I can easily read his pattern, but I just play along just to get a good time to catch and shoot! After almost 2 month with regular calls and IM and how much he in love with me, he decided to come to visit me, and here comes the drama that I’ve been waiting for.

After a week he spent in Canada for business training (he said he’s from London but originally from Scotland ), suddenly he should fly to Guyana for making final report. It makes me wonder, what kind of business course that only takes a week and then required to fly to another unfamiliar country just to make a final report, another red flag. And by the way, from where he claims he come from, he doesnt sound so Englishman nor Scottish, I barely recall it, coz he sound much mumbling when he talks.

I catch small indication that showed he’s a scammer before, first, he asked about my address, when I asked what for, he said he wants to send me a valentine card. But then I argued coz he said he was going to visit me, so what valentine’s card for?? he said, just in case. Ok, but when I warned him dont send me any gift coz I dont want to receive any gift from stranger or anyone I havent met before, he surprisingly offended. WHY? I dont want to received any gift, is that wrong? why offended? red flag.

And then, when he was in Canada he asked me to open a Paypal account coz he couldnt access his. I asked him many questions about that, what is paypal? (seriously I didnt know until I googled it), why I should open one for him? what he wants from me doing that? he said someone was going to transfer him something, I asked, who? and what for? finally he gave up coz I shut him up with reason I have no computer and the only access I have at work just internal web.Red flag.

And then the big hit was, when the day he suppose to be come here, one day earlier, he sent me a very impressive letter. He said on his letter that I have to do something before he landed there, and that thing I should do was, I had to receive a money transfer on behalf of him, he cant receive it under his account coz his ex wife put him in a huge debt and runaway with another man and left the debt under his obligation, and if he received the money under his account the government of England will take the money to clear his debt automatically (is that sound like a moron? dumbest thing I’ve ever heard). The reason why he want me to receive his money that someone send him is pure becoz he love and trust me, and he want me to do the same, love and trust him so I have to do what he asked me to. One problem here, I never trust someone I never see or touch, so this is not just red flag for me, but THIS MEANS WAR, dude!

Frankly, being scammed that way like I resumed above not making me upset becoz of purely being scammed, but that idiotic pattern of scammed that he tried to work on me really really insult my intelligence. First of all, I might be an Asian, I’m proud to be Asian, and my country where I come from, born and raised, might be from the category of third world country, but he should noted too that my beloved country also known as one of the biggest corrupt country in the world, so your small game is so lame, sir. Second of all, maybe I’m at my vulnerable stage at the moment, but seriously, at my age, who will fall for a a guy just from photos, some routine of phone calls and being called babe and sweety on IM? maybe if I still in junior high and he has a face of Ryan Gosling on photos, it would be possible, but I’m too old for that, it required some good sex and series of vacation in Bali to make a vulnerable girl like me to fall for him, lame tricks. And last but not least, he said he trusted and loved me thats why he wanted me to receive his money on behalf of him. That’s the dumbest thing ever. From many guys I’ve dated, none of them, trusted their credit card in my hand before I become officially their wife, so how could a completely stranger whom never see me or touch me before claimed that he trusted me to receive his funds??. Err, have u ever heard about money laundering, sir?

Well, from this experience, I found out that there are still many individuals trying to take advantage of other’s vulnerability. What a shame! I hope he get his karma, what goes around, comes around.. thats rule!

I’ve been thinking lots these days, and for the first time of my life I wrote an email about love & sex Q & A, but as the first time and also this time I didnt wrote for magazine or any consulting column in newspaper but I did more bigger than that! I wrote to consulting with one of my favorite star who had successfully tied the knot with the man of her dream, and she exactly answered all my unanswered question that been hangin’ around my head. (Big Thanx Maggie Kim! Je adore toi!)

Well, yes! I have to admit myself. These times I was afraid. I was afraid to be honest to my self and to the  man I was recently got involved with. I was afraid to asked him about what I want from him and what I want from myself to him. I was afraid becoz I was scared to know the truth, to get a different thing that I expected from him, and the most thing I was afraid of. I was afraid to loose him, but what I did get from all that dishonest? I lost him, worst than I afraid of.

What I really want for sure? Before I step my feet in to any situation with any guy I might be with, I should really know what I exactly want. Maggie is right, damn right, I should be honest from the first time about what I want and say it out loud to my self and him, and not expecting silently deep down inside about other thing than I really want. Let’s say like this. When I met Mr. Big, I wasnt completely honest with myself that I just really wanted him to get laid, while in the other hand I was dreaming about being Mrs. Big deep down inside. (well, yes, thats true, hehe). I did that coz what he wants just get laid so I was afraid if I didnt being that casual, I will loose him. So I did tried to be just get laid with him and no, I cant, coz I cant stand being lied to myself. And I lost him anyway, see, what’s the point being lied anyway? I still lost him.

There’s too many things to be afraid of, but I should tell myself not to ever, ever, ever afraid to be honest, especially to myself. For my own sake.

The simplest thing to do, but the hardest thing to be done. But thats what the exactly right thing to make things works.

Well, wish me luck!

Once again, Thanx Maggie Kim, U are total Rock(star)!!

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Do u believe in destiny? I am now reading a very nice book I have bought two years ago but I havent read at all, a very popular book by Audrey Niffenegger and the movie even already released, ‘The Time Treveler’s Wife’.

I wonder, during reading this book, have I already met my destiny? Is it true that that our fate had written n no matter how u try to change it, how u choose a different way it will end up in the same thing as it written in your fate? So what is my fate? Who is my soulmate?

I dunno… I will tell u later when I already find him :)

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Once I was told Mr.Big when we had a big fight “The wheel of life is turning, and no one can always stands on top, dont under estimate people who thinks lower than U”, and that words striking his heart then instantly he apologize, the thing he never did to me before, aplogizing to me :)). Yes, I believe in karma, I just try to tell him that.

These days, I have continuously problem that bugging me and my best friends and people around us. This is not exactly my personal problem, this is my best friend problem from the past, but since I’m a best friend of her, I got the massive side effect, pffttt..

Its all about karma, bad, bad karma. This Psychotic that caused the problem is a guy from my best friend’s past, her ex boyfriend. He’s the one who get the karma actually, and we are the victims.

The story goes from 2 years backwards. My bestfriend, call her Ms.Froggy, was deeply madly fallen in love with this crazy guy, call him The Plant. She was devoted to him, but unfortunately he deserted her and treat her like garbage, it happened over n over for almost 4 years with me as the eye witness alive. I tried to convinced her many times that she not deserved this, he doesnt deserve her. And it took very long time to make her opened her eyes, until finally her eyes opened n she met a real gentleman who now become her husband. But since she turned herself not to love the plant anymore, he got mad and tried to get her back. Then the terror begin. He haunted her through cyber world and me as her best friend got the massive side effect.

We dont know how to deal this, we are not the geeks who spent our days in front of computer and hacking people privacy through their mails and social accounts. He screwed our privacy through cyber world and we dont know how to catch him. I was so desperate and almost hire a hit man to make him stop, but we cant do that cos Ms.Froggy is pregnant now. We afraid of the bad karma. like what now happen to the plant.

Yes, this is definitely bad karma. He used to treat her like a shit, and made her head over heels on him but the deserted her and the worst thing cheated on her for almost a year. And now, he got what he deserve.

I believe what goes around comes around.

 

Tonite I cry again. I feel so breakdown. I just remembered what had happen to me, and all question wind up in never ending riddle why and how it could happened to me?

I am sorry God, I dont mean to questioning your plan on me but sometimes I just cant help to feel in pain. I know what doesnt kill me just make me stronger but sometimes I hate the moment when it almost killed me. Just like this moment. I feel hurt, empty, sad and breakdown.

Why he did it to me? Why they just used me? Why? Do they can feel that I have a heart that not only beating but also can feel pain bcoz of what they have done? Do they know that when my heart ache my body can respond it the same? Do they know when I cry I have noone I can hold? Do they know when they held me I was looking for someone who can save me and my soul? Not deserted me?

Do u know that Mr.Big? Mr.Panzer? Mr.Diplomate? I cry bcoz of u all.. Why u just used me??? Why cant u just love me instead of used me and broke my heart like this? I cant fix my heart anymore..

I wish somebody can help me…just dont use me again.. Its enough..

What would U think when U see the man with the suits? U can see the perfect man with brain and attitude, with badge of intellectual education title and strong position in career, he can make your heart melted with those perfection coz he just so much adorable coz seems the world just revolve under his feet, but I dont know why how a girl with a lil brain and dirty words like me can see much deeper under his poker face.

I dont need to dig deeper under his perfect suits and diplomatic title. His intellectual not as high as his three master degrees. Maybe he reads too much, maybe he just know the theory, his tricky mind cannot beats me, he just not as smart as he looks.

Maybe he just under estimate me. I just a girl with the heels and make up, I know not much about politics, I know not much about the world, but unfortunately, I know much about a guy like him.

Once he said when the first time we met that he is not the man with the suits, its not him, its not the real him, it just a something he wears for his diplomatic career. But I told him yesterday, “I know u are not the man with the suits, but u have been too long in suits, so like it or not, u already become the man with the suits”, but unfortunately, he still cant put his poker face properly in front of me. He already become the man with the suit, he has the rules, he has the power, but his morale and his brain still under his belt. How ashamed.

Now, I know what I want, I prefer the man with sneakers and shirt, with the looks that he haven’t shaved in years, master degrees not a guarantee the quality of the brain. Life is more precious lessons than thousands pages of text books.

I amaze with his titles, his heavy textbooks, his travel around Europe as a diplomat represents his country, but too bad if his real face behind his suits have to represent his country, people wont respect his country anymore. But I will keep it for myself, he just one of million people from the land of couscous ;). I dont blame him as he become, thats him. Titles, education, position, religion and beliefs cannot change what u grow inside. U are just what u have been through. U can always decide what u will become. U can always choose the way u live, the way u want to live your life. And u can always walk away from the life u dont want to live coz life is a choice. And my choice is to walk away from him.

Well, in the third month of this early year, I already got a very heavy lessons of life, shed my tears and also make my stomach upside down, but I believe in things that said “what doesn’t destroy u, will make u stronger”

I just cant wait for holiday in June.. Life keeps going, I close this chapter, and I move on another chapter.

Like I always said, life keeps bring me surprises, and I wish the surprises getting better and better.

C’est La Vie….. ;)

Goodbye Mr.Diplomate, keep your pants on ;o

Dear windy nite,

I just got home and feels so cold, this nite is so windy, even I got my self freezing after shower, i’m going to bed but my head full of lust and contradiction (not yet love).

This second month of this year, I met a new guy (finally). Honestly it makes smile but also gloom. Let me tell u about this guy first.

He is a handsome guy, in his age of 40, he is well build figure and certainly has a brain, why so, coz he is a diplomatic consulate from a middle east country in the border of europe and middle east for my country and he also holds 3 different master degree in politics. He speaks 3 languages and from my point of view, he looks like a french footballer Zinedine Zidane whom actually from Algeira, just a lil bit cheeky :))
Well, just call him Mr.Diplomate. He just been here for five months and I dont really know how long he’ll be staying in my country.

This Mr.Diplomate is perfect actually, and I like his accent when he talks in english, he has heavy voice and his accent is a combination between arabic and french, he has a good smile and good eyes, we met accidently at a lounge where once I had light drinks and dinner with my best friend, and then this lil story begin. But there’s a major thing that makes him not perfect for me, one thing but fatale. He is married. -_-

I never agree for an affair, especially affair with a married man. It absolute wrong, and there always be a third party who will get hurt, and of course, I am myself will be hurt more, and I never expect that thing happen to me. But sometimes, life just something beyond your control. The thing I confront the most, just naturally happen to me. Yes, I just crossed the borderline, to the thing that I know exactly just wrong. This time I stand between lust and contradiction and somehow I know I dont expect something wrong can turn to be right, but I just cant help myself.

Dont hate me for doing this, I just trying to find the missing piece of my heart, and many times I have to try to fit in the wrong piece, but I hope I just find the right, even maybe not this time, but life must go on, no matter how hard it is, I just need to find the way out.

This is really (not yet) love, lust, and contradition, please help me God..

Sometimes I know I will make a wrong decision, walk in a wrong way, and meet a cross road, but somehow I wish all of them can make me find the right thing at the right time.

Like the weather hanging in the air these present days, my sky also in clouds.

I’m feeling sad these days, thinking about Mr.Big too much. I dont know what’s on his mind about me, but honestly I care no more. He can think and see me as the way he wants me to be. I am born this way, if he likes me from the first time, no matter what I do, he will still likes me n accept me as the way I am, but if he doesnt, he will never do, no matter how I try to change myself to be what he wants me to be. I am what I am. Just like I see him, no matter how bad he behave, I still can accept him coz I like him. Loving someone is taking him in a whole package n never try to change him.

I dont know, Mr.Big always messing with my head n my heart. I dont know what he wants from me, but I surely know what I want from him, I just want one thing from him, just respect me, like the way u respect yourself. Dont treat me like this, like I’m just a piece of ass. The way he treat me not make angry, but worst, he make me sad, n what make me sad more is the fact that I do love him.

William Wharton once said : ‘love is passion, admiration and respect, if u have two, u have enough, but if u have three, u dont have to die to go to heaven’.
So Mr.Wharton, I have more than three for Mr.Big, but maybe this love goes in the wrong version of yours coz I aint feel heaven, or maybe coz Mr.Big only has one for me : passion, but his passion not means love, just something that goes beyond his ego as a big guy.

U know why I love that big man so much? Coz in his own way, he just as damage as me. I dont know what he had been through in his past days, I dont know how many times his heart had broken n no matter how hard he try to hide it, I can still see his wound. But I dont come to him as a hero to save him or whatever, I am as damage as him too, all I want just holding him in silence n hide from whatever may hurt us. And in front of me, he doesnt have to be superman all the time.

Well, Is that possible?? I dont know, I never know all the answer of all question… I’m not the wise man.

…said I love u but I lied, this is more than love I feel inside…said I love u but I was wrong, coz love will never ever feel this strong…’ -michael bolton-

These days, I feel very anxious, after the unexpected messages by Mr.Big asked me to see him, that very suprised me after all these times and what we have been said n done, that lovely feeling for him striking me again after I saw him again, how I love that big man no matter what he said n done to me, am I crazy?? I cant even define the sanity anymore when I deal with him.

Maybe this is what people say about love is blind. I dont care what he had been through, how he hurted my heart was, how he treated me bad, all I care, if I can be with him, all pain will cured. He’s the drugs, even he’s the pain as well. But together, I wish everything will gonna be just fine.

He’s not perfect, out of ideal indeed, but even I know that he’s not perfect, I wont step back from loving him, his weakness is adorable, his strenght is what complete him as a man.

My friend once asked, ‘how could u said u love Mr.Big more than Mr.Panzer? How could u know the difference?’ and I said ‘when I have to write how I feel about Mr.Big, or how I describe him, I always have million words to say it, even I can tell u in million words how he looks when he sleeps and u know I always smile when I talk about Mr.Big. But about Mr.Panzer, I cant tell much coz I just cant say much about him, sometimes I miss him also but thats it, nothing’s more’.

And why I say I love Mr.Big? Coz I can always forgive him for broken my heart, u always has excuses for the one u love, right? And I can always accept him in my heart, unconditionally.

Honestly, I think I could in love with Mr.Panzer, he is handsome, kind, young and fun, I think I could replace Mr.Big from my heart with Mr.Panzer. But just like Katy Perry sing, ‘…well when i’m with him, I am thinking of u, thinking of u, what should I do…’. Mr.Big is simply always on my mind   -_-

Now I’m missing him so bad, and once again I pick a song to reflect what my heart feels right now, ‘why do u do what u do to me..? Why wont u answer me, answer me?… Coz I am in misery, and there aint nobody that can comfort me …’ -maroon5-

If I can be with Mr.Big, I dont have reason to be with anybody else, I just wanna be with him.

Dont ask me why I fall in love with that big old Dutch man, I havent found the right answer to say it, sometimes love has no reason to stop by in someone’s heart, but if u ask me how I love him that much, I can tell u in many ways until I run out breath, but never run out words to say how much I love him..

Happy valentine day my love, I love u for always…

Dedicate to Mr.Big (initial E.P)

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