William Wharton once said, “Love is Passion, Admiration and Respect”. I once too young to understand the meaning of that but as I grow old, I got too genius to understand.

Its all about love, lust and contradiction. In this mature age of mine, I got too smart to divide love and lust not to collide and make any contradiction, but the result is pretty ugly.

I question myself lately, what happen to me? do I had changed to be a person I used to hate? or maybe I grow to be kind of person that I used to disagree. Or time and what I’ve been through had created my alter ego and that is the kind of person that I never want to be.. That’s ironic.

When I was way younger, I never able to define which one is love and which one is lust, and some more time often, I mixed it up, mistaken that lust is love and love is lust (mostly lust mistaken as love). But as time flies and my age multiplying, I can make a significant boundaries between love and lust but unfortunately the contradiction still follows.

Love is beautiful indeed, just like Mr. Wharton said, are passion, admiration and respect, then u dont have to die to go to heaven. That’s what I feel to my beloved frenchman. I love him more than words can say. All my passion burns for him, I admire him in every way, and I respect him as a man and person. He complete my life in many ways but the distances and his non-presence makes a leak.

Its my fault, I left the leak hanging and tried to fill it with lust I found along the difficult times I’ve been through with my loved one. And just I thought that I’m smart enough to keep things straight between love and lust, and it really does, I dont expect contradiction still follows and its beyond my control.

So then I think, maybe its not right to separate two things that indeed not meant to be separated. Love and lust is meant to be together and when contradiction follows both, not just one of them, it become beautiful.

Wise men said, u will never be too old to learn, and will never stop learning till u out of breath. I think I had learned a lessons of life that no other person can teach me but the journey of life itself.

Well, these past months quite really put me in the edge of my consciousness and my fidelity being questioned. And its right, u are your own biggest enemy. I cant say I defeated myself in this case, but I can say I will make peace with myself and forgive myself for what I’ve done.

And to the man I love the most in this entire universe, my frenchman, none of these make me love u less. I know u’ve seen worst of me and this time, like u always wish I can do for myself, I will try to be a better person, like u believe I can. Thank u for loving me and teach me how to love myself.. I love u so much..